I HATE SCHOOl

KILL ME NOW. I feel like I'm the only one studying for finals...which obviously isn't true but it feels like it. It was so nice today and everyone was just out and about in the quad chillin. Whattt am I doing!! I have been studying like crazy and I feel so unproductive. Something is wrong here.

Sleep

I have been soOooOoOoOo tired lately. I feel like I go to bed average time 12-1ish every day and literally I have to take a nap errday. It's so weird. i hate it. I think it's because I don't exercise so my body is shutting down.

The other night on Thursday Phoebe left to go to Westminster and I woke up to help her find the car at 2. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night! I hung out with these kids Zach and Cody bahha that makes me laugh, and so that made it a little better. Friday I was extremely tired though. I went to both of my classes and then to breakfast with Christina after geography. idk how i stayed awake..I guess food is a motivator for anything. I then came home and dropped dead for a few hours. Gotta love college

lyfeeeeeeee

I think about things way too much. I think a lot. I don't really like thinking about things but I always am thinking about things. There's always too much to think about and most of the time it just stresses me out and makes me feel bad. I realized my journal is exhausting. It's too much. All I ever talk about is what I did. I always think I am writing what I feel but no I am just telling, so that has got to change. Life is exhausting. I just want to grow up and be 30 already. I wish I was in 13 Going on 30 and had that magic wishing dust to have whatever wish I want come true. I want to know my future. I wish I could have some cool super power and gift to tell the future. That would be epic. But no, instead I have to wait and see what the future brings. I want to make my own future but I'm not sure what I want. I can't keep waiting for things to happen because in reality lets be real- they will never happen. I can't keep waiting. I am happy. I wouldn't say I'm estatic about things, but I'm doing alright. Life is good.

Someone recently said to me, “it’s okay, you’re just very honest”. Lately I have been really honest with people and honest with myself. At first I was embarrassed when he said that but no I like that and I’m happy he said that. I hate when people lie. What's the point? The truth comes out eventually. I can’t erase my past and I don’t care that I can’t because the whole reason of having a past is to move on from the past, live in the now, and create the future. Ever since senior year and those happenings I have been such a closed person and I would think I have so many secrets and nobody would understand any of them or what I am going through. That's pretty selfish because everyone goes through trials in their life. I guess I just need to let people in and I need to trust people. Sometimes I do trust people and it really backfires on me but hey that happens every once in a while. I know I need to forgive people and I do. I forgive way to easily but I always remember what happened. Forgetting is hard!! I know sometimes I get too involved in the feelings and the person or what happened and it makes it hard to let go.

haha

So Michael and I went to dinner at Zupas one night. It’s a soup, salad, and Panini place and it was soo good! So, I'm driving around trying to find a parking spot and I don't know where to go I'm waiting for Michael to tell me and I’m telling Michael that I have to go to online traffic school and how gay it is and he’s like haa. So I keep driving and then I suddenly stop really fast because an girl on a motercycle thing is driving by and so then she stops fast and looks up at us and hesitates for a few seconds and then falls off her motercycle. It was the weirdest thing ever but I was dying laughing so hard. I felt really bad but it was so weird! I’m surprised Michael didn’t freak out and scream like he normally does but he just sat there in awe and burst out laughing. We really couldn't stop laughing it was terrible!!! I’m such a bad driver. I know I’m a bad driver. Like a horrible driver. butttt I don't really care as long as I get to the place with no accidents then it's all good!

:)

90% on my human development test!!!!! FRIKKK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH

meeeeeh

I wish school was over already so that I could have time to read!! I miss reading! I miss immersing myself in a good book and pretending like I am actually on an adventure in the book. I can't wait for summer. I am going to read like crazy. I am going to read all different types of books too and I have never been more excited. At the gym last night I was reading "The Pretties" and I sat on the bike for an hour getting so caught up in what was happening that I didn't realize I was on the thing for an hour. It was awesomeee.

Easter

On Sunday Phoebe and I went over to the Watanabe's to watch General Conference and celebrate Easter! It was such a good day. We even had a mini easter egg hunt before breakfast. Mio, Mika, Phoebe, and I drove up to watch the afternoon session of conference which was such an awesome experience.

I loved being in the conference center with thousands of people that are striving to do good just like me. I loved the spirit in the room which was so overwhelming. When President Monson walked into the room everyone stood up and was quiet and I was literally knocked with the spirit that I had to hold back tears. I know that President Monson is a true and living Prophet of God. I know that he is here to help us and to lead and guide this church. I am so grateful for a Prophet to give us counsel and lead us closer to our Savior. I am so grateful for all the talks that I heard as well. The big theme of the conference seemed to be about family like parenting, relationships, and teaching. I need to re read the talks and go over them and then I'll talk about them but there was so many that I liked! The talks were so powerful and I am grateful that I could apply the words into my life. The motab sang one of my favorite songs "I know that my Reedemer Lives" and I felt the spirit so strongly that I could barely sing. I know that my Reedemer lives and loves me. I know that he suffered for me in the Garden of Gesthemene and he took upon himself all of my sins, trials, burdens, and emotions. I am so grateful that he did that so he knows how I feel and he knows what I am going through. It is so comforting to know that he loves me so much to do such an amazing and extremely hard and painful thing for me so that I can return back to him and my Heavenly Father. He knew that I would sin so he went through all of that just for me because he loves me so much that it was worth it to him. I never really understood the atonement until I had to actually use it ha. I don't really ever talk about it but I can not express the feeling that I felt after fully using the atonement for the first time in my life. I don't think that I ever felt so much joy and relief and gratitude as I did when I was fully forgiven of something stupid I did. I love my Savior. I am so grateful to be apart of this church. At times I would think it would be so much easier if I was like the other kids at my high school, but I am so grateful that I wasn't and I am not. I am grateful that I stick out because I'm a member of this church. I am grateful that I have standards. I am grateful that I have a family who loves me and knows that we will be together forever. I am grateful that I understand gospel principles and know why I am here on earth and know that I have a purpose. I am grateful that I know that the power of prayer is real. I am grateful that we have prayer to communicate with our Heavenly Father. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and he does watch over me. I used to always think how does he listen to my prayers when there are about a bajillion people in this world. Why would Heavenly Father listen to me when there are so many people suffering a million times worse than I am. I sometimes feel like my pains and my trials aren't really worthy of Heavenly Father's time but I know with all my heart that that type of thinking is so wrong and not true. In my Patriarichal blessing it says,

"The Lord has been mindful of you throught the ages. He has watched over you and guided and protected you...He has heard your prayers and your pleadings and is aware of your every need. Draw near to our Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, for it will be through your close personal relationship with the Savior that you will be supported and sustained during your times of greatest need. Cherish all the experiences of life...The blessing you recieve this day will bring great peace of mind and comfort to your soul through the knowldge you gain of the great love and concern our Father in Heaven has for you and your family."

Basically those words right there sealed the deal for me. I know that the Lord is mindful of me! Lately it seems like everything was going so well and now everything is kind of going downhill. I have felt pretty alone and kind of confused at what I am supposed to do. I have had some pretty bad days, but during my bad days there has always been one thing that has made my day so much better and when that happens I know that my prayers have been answered. I love prayer and I love at the end of the night Phoebe and I both get into our beds and kneel down and say our individual prayers. I know that the Savior lives and was resurrected. Dad sent me a chapter from one of the books he's reading on the resurrection and I was just amazed at what the Savior has done for me and everyone.

Anyways, we went to conference came home and Mary Anne had steak and potatoes and broccli for us! I felt so at home! We decorated cookies and dyed eggs and it was the bestt day everrrrr.

Canon

I hate the canon a lot. Really the thought of it is just gross...but yesterdayy the canon was prettttty boss because me and one of my friends went to dinnski together and he's so flyyyyy and I have a major crush on him and I hope he never finds that out.

The Last Song.

This movie was amazzzzing. I love Hannah Montana and I'm not embarrassed. It's one of those movies where you know what's going to happen but you love it anyways. Miley was a bad actor but the guy Liams so hot that it cancels out her bad acting. Kendra kept predicting everything that would happen and she was right every single time-that dork. Kendra and I were dying the whole movie. We wanted to scream so many times but realized that's probs not a good idea to the other movie viewers. Hopefully some day I'll find a guy just like him but with my luck that could be slim.

APRIL 1

What has happened to me? I used to be able to run for an hour easy peasy. I'm getting really fat. It's scary and grosses me out. I wish I could have a little discipline to eat healthy or just to not eat at all but that just will never happen. Hence, I am going to start running again...but my knee really needs to hold up it's such a let down and messes up everything.

There are WAY too many pictures on this thing.

Today I got a package with Reeses peanut butter cups, $100, a note from Dad, a note from Mom, and some messages about Easter. Wow I just love my family.

I can't wait for conference!

Latelyy this is how I feel and I'm really into this...

New Favorite

Things As They Are

If you want a thing bad enough

to go out and fight for it,

Work day and night for it,

Give up your time and your peace

and your sleep for it,

If only desire of it makes you mad enough

never to tire of it,

Makes you hold all other things

tawdry and cheap for it-

If life seems all empty and useless without it,

And all that you scheme and you dream is about it,

If gladly you'll sweat for it,

fret for it, plan for it,

Lose all your terror of God and man for it,

If you'll simply go after that thing that you want,

With all your capacity, strength and sagacity,

Faith, hope, and confidence, stern pertinacity,

If neither cold, poverty, famished and guant,

Nor sickness nor pain of body or brain

Can turn you away from the thing that you want,

If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,

YOU'LL GET IT!

-Thanks Dad